So, it appears I have run out of ideas for what to include in my New Year's Resolution. Yes, I keep coming up with more-or-less the same things relating to my life - work/studies, fitness, finances, personal stuff, etc. But really, setting these targets so early in the year is pointless in 2015, given I don't really know what will come my way. In short - things don't always go according to plan, so rather than bogging my self down with a list of things to check off (which isn't a proper "plan" anyway), I'm not doing a 2015 resolution.
In fact, with my day job and whatnot, I see no point in continuing this blog. Look, if you want to follow my (sometimes delightful - admit it) blabbering, you're probably following me on Twitter or Instagram, rather than this dreary old medium circa 2006 when dial-up was still socially acceptable.
As such, this is my last New Year's Resolution in retrospect on da ron files.
2014 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION: In Retrospect
Academic
> Get at least a Merit for my MSc.
> Become an MPhil/PhD Candidate.
Finance
> Get funding for the PhD.
> Don't ask my parents for more funds.
Fitness
> Cycle a total distance of 365km with an app or my Heart Rate Monitor.
> Cut down on my chocolate, crisps, salt, Haribos and alcohol.
Personal
> Be nicer to others.
> Cut down on procrastination.
And with the end of this sentence, comes the press of the period key on my keyboard, for this project that was started by a teenaged me, for the last time.
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
Looking ahead
I figured it's not healthy to bottle things up. So this blog post is more of an outlet, than reading material - that's the only reason I'm writing this blog post.
Anyway, with the health warnings out of the way, let's begin.
I didn't get onto the PhD programme I applied for.
Which is a shame. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, since I only sent one application and did not look elsewhere. (And to be fair, I never assumed the PhD was a 100% in-the-bag thing). As it turns out, it was down to the lack of willing, able and available supervisors at the institution that shall go un-named (those who know me already know which one I am referring to, of course).
I was warned that this was possibly going to happen. And I should have listened. But I was warned in March 2014, when I completed and submitted my application in February 2014. I did not have time to prepare other applications, and even if I did, the deadlines for funding had long gone by March in some cases. So, really, there was nothing I could have done in 2013/2014, to apply for a programme which commences in 2014/2015.
The last year, I've been (very seriously) considering settling in the UK – by the time I finish my PhD, I would have been here for 9 years. If I get a 1-year extension on my visa and/or a teaching contract, I might be able to apply to settle after I(that's my understanding of the visa rules, anyway). Even if I didn't meet the 10-year rule, I figured my 4 years here might let me meet people here that I can start a family with.
In any case, I now find myself in a rather scary situation where I don't know what to do next. Or am I? Because I went into the application process, knowing that at the back of my mind, I've always had a back-up option. Admittedly, it's one I have been running away from, but it's one that has always been there – going back to Jakarta to help the family.
My whole life has been one where I am uprooted from one nation to another every few years – first, when I was 6, I left my kindergarten classmates to move to Singapore. When I was there, I switched school after 1 year because I was moving to live with my mum's friend. I only felt comfortable when I got to stay at St. Andrew's from Primary/Junior to Secondary School, but then the "uprooting" happened again when my folks have had enough of me living in Singapore with my guardians. Brighton, Exeter, London – I made, lost, and remade connections over the 5+ years in these 3 cities. It felt strange to think that I'm now living with a friend whom I met in Brighton. Or that I still keep in touch with friends I met in Exeter.
If the last few days, I seem as if I'm more "in-the-shell" and less interested in things, I'm really sorry. Perhaps it's just separation anxiety - I've experience it a couple of times now. And perhaps I'm nervous. Nervous that I'm about to move into a country which I claim to be where I'm from, but have absolutely no other connection with.
People tell me that they're jealous of me because I get to experience all these things, studying abroad. The downside is often an untold one (and often an ignored one, because they tend to only affect spoilt brats like myself, I guess). You spend so long in other places, when you come "home", you have no friends or contacts apart from your family, your family's friends, and those you meet at work, or while you were abroad (this bit, I'm not exaggerating - my only real Indonesian friend is probably Josh Irwandi).
It's going to be interesting to see how the next few months pan out. I'm scared. Of course I am. But then again, as my mum kept telling me (mind you, she really wants me to return home to Indonesia), I probably felt the same when I first moved to the UK. And look where things have gone.
Times like this make me realise how thankful I should be for all the friends I've had over the years. I've been really fortunate to meet some interesting people along the journey, and whilst I can't lie about "never forgetting any of you" (because my memory's recently been tested - and proven to have failed), I definitely cherish them like I cherish a really good wine - in the moment, because you know it'll end at some point, until the next time round, assuming there is a next round.
And whilst I feel sometimes like I'm losing touch with my faith (for a number of reasons, I've felt let down over the last few years - but I really don't want to discuss this here/now), I've grown up with the belief that God holds the future in his hands. And I'm glad He does, even in the darkest, most uncertain of times, to give the sense of a safety net.
If this post hasn't made any sense, I did say - this is just an outlet for me. But I'm just glad I've managed to organise my thoughts (admittedly, in a very 2004 way). And to be honest, I don't care if people know how I'm feeling right now. Like I told my friend Robin last week - don't feel sorry for me, because I'm not in the worst position out of everyone you know. I'll be fine, because I'm fortunate that way. I'm bruised in some ways, but t'is but a minor scuff, really. And yes, I'm being a drama queen, but seriously, what did you expect from a blog?
Enough chatter. Let's just get this done and over with*.
* By 'this', I mean life. And by 'done', I mean going through the different stages in life, not (as I suspect some of you might be thinking) bringing it to a halt (oh, come on, suicide is selfish and pointless anyway).
Anyway, with the health warnings out of the way, let's begin.
I didn't get onto the PhD programme I applied for.
Which is a shame. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, since I only sent one application and did not look elsewhere. (And to be fair, I never assumed the PhD was a 100% in-the-bag thing). As it turns out, it was down to the lack of willing, able and available supervisors at the institution that shall go un-named (those who know me already know which one I am referring to, of course).
I was warned that this was possibly going to happen. And I should have listened. But I was warned in March 2014, when I completed and submitted my application in February 2014. I did not have time to prepare other applications, and even if I did, the deadlines for funding had long gone by March in some cases. So, really, there was nothing I could have done in 2013/2014, to apply for a programme which commences in 2014/2015.
The last year, I've been (very seriously) considering settling in the UK – by the time I finish my PhD, I would have been here for 9 years. If I get a 1-year extension on my visa and/or a teaching contract, I might be able to apply to settle after I(that's my understanding of the visa rules, anyway). Even if I didn't meet the 10-year rule, I figured my 4 years here might let me meet people here that I can start a family with.
In any case, I now find myself in a rather scary situation where I don't know what to do next. Or am I? Because I went into the application process, knowing that at the back of my mind, I've always had a back-up option. Admittedly, it's one I have been running away from, but it's one that has always been there – going back to Jakarta to help the family.
My whole life has been one where I am uprooted from one nation to another every few years – first, when I was 6, I left my kindergarten classmates to move to Singapore. When I was there, I switched school after 1 year because I was moving to live with my mum's friend. I only felt comfortable when I got to stay at St. Andrew's from Primary/Junior to Secondary School, but then the "uprooting" happened again when my folks have had enough of me living in Singapore with my guardians. Brighton, Exeter, London – I made, lost, and remade connections over the 5+ years in these 3 cities. It felt strange to think that I'm now living with a friend whom I met in Brighton. Or that I still keep in touch with friends I met in Exeter.
If the last few days, I seem as if I'm more "in-the-shell" and less interested in things, I'm really sorry. Perhaps it's just separation anxiety - I've experience it a couple of times now. And perhaps I'm nervous. Nervous that I'm about to move into a country which I claim to be where I'm from, but have absolutely no other connection with.
People tell me that they're jealous of me because I get to experience all these things, studying abroad. The downside is often an untold one (and often an ignored one, because they tend to only affect spoilt brats like myself, I guess). You spend so long in other places, when you come "home", you have no friends or contacts apart from your family, your family's friends, and those you meet at work, or while you were abroad (this bit, I'm not exaggerating - my only real Indonesian friend is probably Josh Irwandi).
It's going to be interesting to see how the next few months pan out. I'm scared. Of course I am. But then again, as my mum kept telling me (mind you, she really wants me to return home to Indonesia), I probably felt the same when I first moved to the UK. And look where things have gone.
Times like this make me realise how thankful I should be for all the friends I've had over the years. I've been really fortunate to meet some interesting people along the journey, and whilst I can't lie about "never forgetting any of you" (because my memory's recently been tested - and proven to have failed), I definitely cherish them like I cherish a really good wine - in the moment, because you know it'll end at some point, until the next time round, assuming there is a next round.
And whilst I feel sometimes like I'm losing touch with my faith (for a number of reasons, I've felt let down over the last few years - but I really don't want to discuss this here/now), I've grown up with the belief that God holds the future in his hands. And I'm glad He does, even in the darkest, most uncertain of times, to give the sense of a safety net.
If this post hasn't made any sense, I did say - this is just an outlet for me. But I'm just glad I've managed to organise my thoughts (admittedly, in a very 2004 way). And to be honest, I don't care if people know how I'm feeling right now. Like I told my friend Robin last week - don't feel sorry for me, because I'm not in the worst position out of everyone you know. I'll be fine, because I'm fortunate that way. I'm bruised in some ways, but t'is but a minor scuff, really. And yes, I'm being a drama queen, but seriously, what did you expect from a blog?
Enough chatter. Let's just get this done and over with*.
* By 'this', I mean life. And by 'done', I mean going through the different stages in life, not (as I suspect some of you might be thinking) bringing it to a halt (oh, come on, suicide is selfish and pointless anyway).
Sunday, 29 June 2014
Half-Time Analysis: 2014
So, as some none of you may have noticed, this blog has been in a somewhat dead state, with the only life support system, in the form of my New Year's Resolutions and half-annual reflections, keeping it alive.
Given we are now at the end of the 6th month of 2014, I figured this is the right time for another blog post. Starting with that new year's resolution I penned so thoughtfully in January 2014...
Academic
> Get at least a Merit for my MSc.
[pending]
> Become an MPhil/PhD Candidate.
[pending]
Finance
> Get funding for the PhD.
[as above, pending]
> Don't ask my parents for more funds.
[I really underestimated how much living in London would cost (by £2k). Now I know better.]
Fitness
> Cycle a total distance of 365km with an app or my Heart Rate Monitor.
[Well, according to Strava, as of 22 Jun 2014, 4:45pm, I've done 613.3km. Adding on the miles I've done in 2013, and my commute, I've probably paid less than £1 per km I've ridden on my bike.]> Cut down on my chocolate, crisps, salt, Haribos and alcohol.
[We're only halfway through the year, so this won't be 100% achieved until Dec 31st. But for now...
Chocolate: less than 10 bars. Went up during exams, but apart from that, not weekly anymore.
Crisps: hardly buy them (swapped crisps for bread and hummus.
Salt: Can't really quantify, can I?
Haribos: think I've only bought 4 packets of them, so no longer a weekly purchase.
Alcohol: Well, what with London prices and the fact that I have the tolerance of a 22-year-old - i.e.: very low, I've really cut on alcohol this year. Which is good.
Overall: looks promising.]
Personal
> Be nicer to others.
[I am trying. I promise.]
> Cut down on procrastination.
[Well, I killed my social media accounts in April to help me focus on my long essay. Then things went pear shaped in May.]
In summary (out of 8)...
Succeeded: 1.
Pending, optimistic: 1 (the snacks and alcohol)
Pending, unknown: 3.
Pending, pessimistic: 2 (the "personal" ones)
Failed: 1.
Ah, rubbish.
Given we are now at the end of the 6th month of 2014, I figured this is the right time for another blog post. Starting with that new year's resolution I penned so thoughtfully in January 2014...
Academic
> Get at least a Merit for my MSc.
[pending]
> Become an MPhil/PhD Candidate.
[pending]
Finance
> Get funding for the PhD.
[as above, pending]
> Don't ask my parents for more funds.
[I really underestimated how much living in London would cost (by £2k). Now I know better.]
Fitness
> Cycle a total distance of 365km with an app or my Heart Rate Monitor.
[Well, according to Strava, as of 22 Jun 2014, 4:45pm, I've done 613.3km. Adding on the miles I've done in 2013, and my commute, I've probably paid less than £1 per km I've ridden on my bike.]> Cut down on my chocolate, crisps, salt, Haribos and alcohol.
[We're only halfway through the year, so this won't be 100% achieved until Dec 31st. But for now...
Chocolate: less than 10 bars. Went up during exams, but apart from that, not weekly anymore.
Crisps: hardly buy them (swapped crisps for bread and hummus.
Salt: Can't really quantify, can I?
Haribos: think I've only bought 4 packets of them, so no longer a weekly purchase.
Alcohol: Well, what with London prices and the fact that I have the tolerance of a 22-year-old - i.e.: very low, I've really cut on alcohol this year. Which is good.
Overall: looks promising.]
Personal
> Be nicer to others.
[I am trying. I promise.]
> Cut down on procrastination.
[Well, I killed my social media accounts in April to help me focus on my long essay. Then things went pear shaped in May.]
In summary (out of 8)...
Succeeded: 1.
Pending, optimistic: 1 (the snacks and alcohol)
Pending, unknown: 3.
Pending, pessimistic: 2 (the "personal" ones)
Failed: 1.
Ah, rubbish.
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