Remembering Mum.

RIP Priskila Titin 

Mother

Born 30 June 1956

Deceased 27 April 2023

Laid to rest 1 May 2023

Hello again, Blogger. Been a while. 

I needed a place to compose something in a longer format, with not too many readers, but somewhere I can "bottle up" my feelings and let it drift away. And seeing as Blogger is still a thing (oh hai!), here I am.

My Mum, Priskila Titin, passed away peacefully 10 days ago on 27th April 2023 at the age of 66 (or 67, if you follow my Dad's school of thought - she was born 30 June 1956, so do the maths yourself).

The last week has been like a reset button for my relationship with my Dad and my family. I moved out in 2019 when I joined Tanamera, and stayed apart throughout the pandemic to protect my Mum who has a number of co-morbidities (diabetes and asthma). And even after the borders reopened and we all got out boosters, my schedule involves frequent travelling between Singapore and Bali, meaning I am not always in Jakarta. Only very recently, I started living back in my parent's house, namely the night before an early flight, as their house in North Jakarta is closer to Soekarno Hatta Airport than my apartment in South Jakarta. So I wish I could spend more time with my Mum, but I think she knew she didn't have to worry about me. If I survived my schooling years away from her, you'd think I will be fine as an adult.  

WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

I got asked this question so many times over the past 10 days, I wanted to record and play whenever someone asks this question. But anyway, this is the text version, summarised from accounts by my aunt who was by her side, my Dad, brother and my memory of 27th April. This is as good as I can summarise. 

Thursday morning. She woke up like any normal day. Except my Dad noticed she had very red eyes. She said it’s probably an allergy from her shampoo. She went out with her sister/my aunt, firstly to Meiji a clothes shop in Muara Karang, then to Tzu Chi Hospital in PIK to get an eye doctor appointment. 

The wait for the doctor was long, but the conclusion was that it was nothing serious. The doctor prescribed her some eyedrops, and off she went. 

By this time, it was maybe around 12pm-1pm. They’re hungry, they went for lunch at Putu Made in PIK Avenue, a mall opposite the hospital. Not long after placing their order, my mum felt shortness of breathe. She used her inhaler but either it ran out or she didn’t feel it working, even after multiple pumps. 

My aunt said she tried to find another inhaler but no luck. They deducted it was best to go home, even though the food has not arrived. 

Around 2pm. They went down the escalator, with my mum holding onto her chest. While waiting for the vehicle at the mall's West Lobby, she collapsed. She was brought to the hospital ER. 

Doctor reported that it was likely her heart had stopped for > 10 minutes, so the prognosis is not great but they managed to get a pulse back. 

My aunt managed to unlock my Mum’s iPhone to ring my Family WhatsApp Group. My Dad & Eldest brother Robert picked up. They heard my aunt cry and say come to the hospital immediately. They did so. (I was at the FHA showfloor at that time)

Few hours later, my Dad and eldest brother were in the hospital with my aunt. He shared screenshots of the chat with a doctor on our family WhatsApp. Apparently, the doctor suspected a heart attack.

Few hours passed. Robert rang my 2nd brother and I via WhatsApp. I was in Singapore at that time, and my 2nd brother in Japan with his wife and kids for Lebaran holidays. He updated on our Mum's condition, and told us to be on standby to come back to Jakarta. We ended the call. At that time, I was just heading back from MyVillage in Serangoon Gardens.

Less than 2 hours after the first call, as I got back to the place I was staying in Singapore, there was another group WhatsApp call amongst my brothers. The news broke. We lost our Mum.

The report from the hospital was as vague as it can get: "death in the hospital from a non-communicable disease". And while the doctors seem to suggest asthma-induced cardiac arrest, looking at the bloated stomach, asthma, and no indication of a stroke or blockage in the coronary system, compounded with the timing / lack of a proper lunch, we were suspecting GERD as a likely cause of her death.

THE DREADED FLIGHT HOME

I got a ticket back to Jakarta that night, landing 11pm Jakarta time, straight to Tzu Chi Hospital to see my Mum before being moved to the funeral home. I held her icy cold arms and brushed her frizzled curled hair, as I asked why she had a bloated stomach and welped without giving a damn to whoever else was in the room with me (there was my Dad, eldest brother & sis-in-law, a few of my cousins, uncle, aunt and brother's friends). 

As the hospital staff prepared to take my Mum to the transport ambulance, I dried my tears, and we prepared to go to the funeral house for the funeral preparations. By this point, we were into Friday as midnight passed.

There, we booked the hall (we got one hall for the first day, which turned out to be too cramped for the number of visitors that came), and picked the casket. We showered the body, selected the clothes out of the few my sis-in-law picked from my Mum's wardrobe, and also debated about burial vs cremation (and where to bury). All in, we were done at around 4am, including a supper stop at Wing Heng Dim Sum (that place was busy...).

The first day was pretty rough, between the lack of sleep, lack of space (it was cramped), and the empty casket (we wanted to give my 2nd brother and his family time to mourn in private, and he could not land earlier than 4pm on the Friday, so most of the day, the casket laid empty). 

I won't go on about the conversations I had over the following days, with people I know now and in the past with links to myself or my Mum. But if I can summarise some things about my Mum's life...

MY MUM

She was a big-hearted, loyal and simple-minded person. She loves giving, and she loves making people around her happy, especially if it involves church (she is loyal to her GBI CK3 church), partying (between her Ibu-Ibu Gaul, Mediterania Ladies, PM Swimming friends via my Dad, and Lie Family Christmas gatherings) and having a big feast (she doesn't like alcohol unless it's Ice Wine). The fridge and dining table in my folk's house is always full when she's around.

While she does this, at times she does open herself to abuse, where people take advantage of her generosity. The Chinese saying 得寸进尺 sums up what I mean, and I don't think I need to divulge details here at this point. And sometimes she can go too far. My brothers and Dad often complain to her to limit her shopping habits, as they become excessive or overly repetitive. Can you imagine eating the same dish for 6-7 days in a row?

But my main takeaway from her is her loyalty and commitment to anything she does. 

She donated to the GBI church in Mangga Dua Square just as it was starting up, and served the church right up to the COVID period when she started fearing the virus (there was a rebellious stage when we told her to stay at home but she went anyway. Only when people close to her succumbed to the early variants and in some cases die, then did she stop going in-person).

Not forgetting the fact that she has been by the side of my Dad for 44 years, polio legs and all. She has been by his side for so long, the hole she leaves behind is noticeable as I accompanied my Dad these few days in light of her absence. I remember the first few days, he was still telling me and my sis-in-law about the last this/that that she prepared for him around the house - the last lunch prep (chopped kailan, garlic and oil ready for my Dad to stir-fry), the last breakfast (egg and toast), the last purchase she made (the eye drops), the last dress she wore (this multi-coloured dress with spider prints), the last fruit she bought for the house (mango and kolang kaling), the last trip to Puncak with her friends (just 4 days before her death), etc...

When we looked back at her last day, we realised we could not have expected that day to go that way. At noon, she was hungry but still walking fit. By 4:14pm, she breathed her last. If we were anticipating her passing, of course my brother and I would not have been overseas. Yes, she has underlying health conditions, but all involved long-term issues - diabetes, blood pressure, gout, etc.  And she was exercising more, taking a cocktail of medications to control them, and (very gradually) changing her diet to be a bit more in line with what the doctors suggest. 

Who knew life could fade within 4 hours?

In some ways, perhaps God was being kind to her. Apart from lizards, my mum is very afraid of needles and ICU beds. When my grandma was spending her last few days in ICU, my mum kept saying she wished she would not go through the same thing in her last days. Well, her death was short and needle-free, which felt like the way she would have wanted to go.

MOVING ON...

My Mum leaves behind a very successful husband, 3 capable sons, 2 of whom have given her 3 grandsons and 1 granddaughter. She also leaves her brothers and sisters, some based in Malang/Surabaya, some in Jakarta. 

My mum was buried at San Diego Hills, a cemetary in Cikarang. We believe her soul is with our Great Creator above, considering the good that she has done to the people she has touched.

Mum, terima kasih untuk doa, berkat, kemurahan hatimu dan komitmenmu terhadap Tuhan dan keluarga. Ku harap satu hari kita bisa jumpa lagi, dan kamu tetap gembira.

Mum, thank you for your prayers, your blessings, your generosity and your commitment to God and to family. I hope to see you again some day, joyful as always.